By: Jessica Fishman
Hi! It’s me Soulful sunflower! ?
I will do my best at being positive, but I am JUST SO confused. My heart is heavy. My stomach is in my throat and everything I know about cancer, and was taught in school or taught by my company, it’s almost like the rules don’t apply to me. Eat food they say, how do you eat when you feel sick? Drink your water they say and stay hydrated? I want to barf, how on earth do I think water is going to stay down? The thing is my background in nutrition- I know better, but that doesn’t make this easier.
For as long as I can remember I use to want to do a Ted Talk. I don’t love public speaking but I grew addicted to having a story that made me feel a connection to so many people and I love connecting. Getting and giving people the Goosebumps is literally my favorite thing in the world. Well, I guess one more thing to add to my resume and Ted talk. People have told me since my mom I’m a warrior, because they aren’t sure how they would do if they lost their mom when they were 27. I remember feeling like I don’t have a choice. I either die with her or find a purpose. I quit my life in Chicago because I was like the walking dead, and started over. I went back to school to become a dietitian and lived with the intentions of having a purpose. I was going to help ONE person with cancer to feel good about the crappy hand my mom and family had been dealt. I needed the purpose to get out of the weeds that I had placed myself so deep in after my mom died. I want to share everything with the world because I am transparent, but this blog isn’t intended to hurt people, or the family drama and pain I’ve endured. It is meant to help people like me become more aware, feel less alone, maybe laugh for like a second or two, and then stand behind me and my army, because I basically need all the strength I can get.
I have the most aggressive form of breast cancer and I feel robbed. I felt robbed losing my mom at 27. I feel robbed of having to get chemotherapy at 34. I know the saying life’s unfair, blah blah blah. But I really haven’t fully lived yet. I have SO much more to do and I finally got into my groove. I finally found a bunch of gf’s that I freaking love!!!! I love going out and laughing a shit ton with! I finally found a career and a company and a bunch of co-workers I literally LOVE. I mean in my short amount of tenure I’ve found my forever friends, regardless of where I work, they literally love me and I literally love them. This is just a feeling I never knew even existed in the work place and to say I’m blessed is an understatement.
I know everyone thinks I’m asking the why me ? I am. What the FUCK did I do so badly to have to endure more pain in my life? Yep, asking that one too. Am I am so undeserving of just a happy life? One free of crying all the time or feeling like a death sentence is sitting on my door step? Oh great, do I have ovarian cancer too? Because seriously.. just give me the anesthesia and let me sleep peacefully. Yes, I’m having ALL those thoughts and more. But I literally have the best friends and family who won’t go there. Yes, everyone who sees me has cried. It’s ok, I have cried a lot too. A lot of people I tell, they have cried. That doesn’t make us weak people, and if anything it makes me feel happy. It makes me feel like I did something right in my life that people want to fill my house as if I am a florist, it makes me happy because it means I mean something to you. All the people who are looking up flights who want to sit with me while I go through chemo, that’s what life is about. It makes me feel like that purpose I had to save ONE person will now turn into two because I have to save myself. I am always SO worried about everyone else. I am so sad my dad has to watch me go through this when I know he’d rather it be him. I am so worried about my friends being sad because I don’t want to be a burden on them. But I never once considered what about me. How do I get my mind right so I can fight the marathon I am about to go through. We talk a lot at work that cancer is a marathon not a sprint. And you know it’s one thing to say it, but it’s another to be the person we are talking about. I don’t really know how to end this blog because I could go on and on about how I feel, and I fully intend to write about my entire journey, I just want to say FUCK cancer.
I will get through this. I will be cancer free, but I have to endure the next 3 months of chemotherapy before I get to finish the rest of my surgeries. It scares the hell out of me. But I guess they say do what scares you, and you’ll get where you want to go.. or live outside your comfort zone and this situation, is basically making me live through every fear I’ve ever had.
So much love to you all for reading❤️